miss rema erd

hello and welcome and yo.

i am Hannah (my name's a palindrome).
i am the first daughter of the first daughter of the first daughter.
i love my family deep deep. my favourite red is carmaine.

i also love football, good books, sunsets, grinning babies, poets, photographers, a good intellectual conversation, quirky people, pious bad boys with soft hearts and good minds, happy surprises, the rain, flat shoes, the thought of painting, coffeebean's caramel ice blend, borders (as in the bookstore), bubble tea, and waking up on my own.


/ Donate blood @ Outram completed on 23/03/2008
/ Ice Skate @ Kallang Leisure Park
/ Rollerblade @ ECP
/ Plan a community service project coming up!
/ Enter a photography contest
/ Jog with Tch Rapiah @ Tamp Stadium coming up!
/ Buy an English translation Qura'an
/ Buy the $100 book on the 4 Imams
/ Take up a new skill @ a CC
/ Paint a picture by Singapore River
/ Play paintball @ SDC
/ Go to the Tree Top @ MacRitchie
/ Learn how to (really) ride a horse
/ Plan an event for my old Madrasah
/ Get that DSLR i've been drooling for found Colby on 05/05/2008

Let me start by begging you not to blame me for being pessimistic, cynical and pathetic. You may not want to start reading this entry because it would be more than 2000 words, I expect. But if you do, please don't judge me only on the account on this entry of my blog. Thanks.

So.

I've always believed that for every beautiful sunset I watch, a storm will always follow next. Everytime I buy a flower, I know it's gonna wilt sooner or later (usually sooner). I know that every happy moment I have, a sad one would always come next, and for that I know that I'm a pessimist. I look both ways before crossing a one-way street. I find myself sad (sometimes crying) everytime I'm happy because I know it won't ever last. I'm almost scared of being happy.

And today was a great example of just that - excluding the flower la.

Today also took away my illusion that I am a strong person. Today and this entry prove to me that I am a weakling. It's what you, in the darkest side of your heart, thought too, wasn't it?

I woke up exactly when my handphone sang on Alicia Keys' A Woman's Worth (remix version). I arrived at the classroom exactly as my tutor arrived at 10am, only to find out we were supposed to come at 1045am. I was at ease last night because my assignment was completed, and the rest of the week and next week was all planned nicely on the 2006 planner mama gave me two nights ago.

Today's Communication Skills class was one of the most relaxed, in my opinion. After the class, my group members and I went inside the lift (there were Khai, Nadiah, Nurul, Azad, myself and a Law and Management lecturer) and laughed about something said in class.

Nadiah was saying, "Just now ah, when (the tutor) asked why we think Malaysians always come late for meetings, Han said 'Oh, janji melayu.'" We all laughed. Then, all of the sudden, the lecturer (who was about to get out of the lift), smiled, turned at us and said, "That's not true. I'm a Malaysian."

We were like *gasp gasp gasp*... *laughed our backside off*

As Khai and me made our way to the stadium to watch an attempt to break a Guinness World Record, I saw Wani and Mel and waved. They were on their way to the cyber centre and I proposed to meet up at the stadium and then have lunch afterwards. I was sad that it didn't happen, but I didn't call them up to ask why they weren't there at the stadium. It was my fault, but I am too sad to give you excuses. I should've called.

I had a nice, quiet time watching Dr. William Tan hand-cycle in his 17th hour out of 24 hours. It was a moving experience for me. I almost cried thinking how strong he is, cycling like that, knowing that I would never be that strong. There was a band playing and I sat by myself near them, watching the stadium. Then there were three cello players, and that moment was so peaceful, I.. am speechless, I think.

And oh, I had the camera in my hand. It was almost perfect. Except that I didn't get to share it with anyone.

It's been a while since I last hang around my mentor mates. Azimah, Sharifah, Khai, Jannah. It was nice hanging around with them. It made me realise, not for the first time, how I'm always taking my friends for granted. Told you I was pathetic.

So I was at the stadium from 1130 till 230. My next class was at 245. OR SO I THOUGHT.

Xiu Qin called me up at 230, saying that class was at 2Pm. I was stunned. Khai and me jogged our way to class. I'm too.. tired to think of why we weren't informed that class was commencing at the usual time, and not the time slot each group was assigned to. Half the class wasn't there when I went in. But in any case, the tutor took our attendance anyway, and did not mark us late.

That was when things started to go wrong. When class ended at 5pm, I was exhausted and (for the lack of energy to come out with another word) sad. The next week that I have been looking forward to, with Hari Raya Haji and no deadlines, is ruined. My weekend is ruined. I should have never let myself think that I could enjoy next week. I shouldn't have let myself be that happy.

My group's proposal were rejected. Everyone's proposal were rejected. Everyone had to do it all over again. Thanks, Miss Tutor. I shan't bore you with the details of what I'm gonna have to do. It's too painful, even for me. Monday and Tuesday is my only relax days for next week. (And why can't I be thankful for that?)

On my way home in the bus, someone (I was in my zombie mood, so for the life of me I couldn't remember who) mentioned that I looked so sad. I tried to smile and said, "Nahh." But I guess he wasn't convinced as he said, "Take it easy ah Han." At least I didn't forget ALL my manners and managed to mumble a thanks.

When I got off the bus, I considered my 3 options to get home: 1) I could walk. 2) I could wait for the bus at the bustop on my right or 3) the one on my left. I was at the traffic light thinking which option to take, and when the walking man blinked green, I just stood there not knowing what to do. Walk home? Take bus? Don't know ah. So I missed the green light. Waited again as the man flashed red. And then the walking green man flashed again. I almost didn't cross the road again.

In the end, I took my third option. For the heck of it.

There, I met this boy I played with a long time ago. When I was in Sec 1-Sec 2, I used to hang out at the void deck a lot, playing soccer with the little boys. I was always the goalkeeper. There was Kiki (now Sec 2), Taha (Sec 4 now I think) and the boy I met at the bustop was Taha's little brother. I couldn't remember his name.

As we were to get on the bus, I stood beside him and said, "Sec brape?"
He looked at me and said, "Sec 1."
I smiled. "Da besar eh kau." He was taller than me.
He blinked, then his eyes went wide as he recognised me. "Eh kak!"

He kept smiling at me at the bus and I remembered how fun it was hanging out with the little boys in what seemed like a long time ago. 6 years ago. When he got off the bus a bustop away from mine, he waved, smiled and said, "Selamat eh. See you around."

That was funny, because as a little boy, he was always quiet when I was around. His brother was chatty so I assumed he didn't like me.

I missed them. There were 6 or 7 little guys I usually play with. I wonder where they are now. Kiki, Taha, his brother, Haikal.. a boy starting letter "F" (tak ingat), Kumar.. can't remember them all.

When I got home, I said to my sister, "I'm sad ah." All she said was, "Eh? Hm."

I got into the toilet and scrubbed the floor till my hands were scrunched up like prunes. The hose was making noises. Everytime I pressed it, it made a loud noise. PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. I knocked it on the floor a couple of times. I think I made it worse. It struck me as so funny I laughed. I scrubbed and scrubbed some more till the floor detergent finished. I pressed and pressed the bottle, but no more goo was inside. That was both sad and funny.

Afterwards, I switched the shower on and sat on the newly-scrubbed floor. The water was dang cold but the floor was so nice I didn't bother to turn the heater on. It felt like I was sitting in the cold rain.

It felt good. I sat on the floor for a long time. I shampooed. I soaped. I smell good now. I'm gonna eat now. Then maybe grab a zzz's. Then..

Sigh.

I'll have to start on my project.

I hope your day was better than mine. Assalamualaikum.

broke my fall (0)

There are many reasons why fish sometimes drown. They need oxygen to live, and if they swim into oxygen-depleted waters, they will drown.

John Locke said: Education begins the gentleman,
but reading, good company and reflection
must finish him.


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

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